10 Places NOT to Talk on Your Cell Phone

There are many places out there where the use of a cell phone works very effectively in pointing out a pompous, low class asshole. These are all places that, by default, you should NOT talk on a cell phone.
Here’s a list of 10 of those places (in no specific order)…

1. The Gym

If you have ever even picked up a cell phone to make or take a call at the gym you are a self centered tool with a small “male extremity”. No excuses, it’s just a fact. Those steroids probably aren’t helping the situation either because now, not only is your “third leg” small but your testes are shrinking rapidly. If you are a girl, and are talking on the phone at the gym, then you are just lazy, and not even worth talking about. Chances are, if you even have a cell phone at the gym you are actually using it to sneak photos of girls, or guys you wish you could attract by pretending to talk on your cell phone at the gym. Save your time, save your money, stop going to the gym… you’re not working out, and you look like a fool that no one wants to associate with. I hope those “skull crushers” you are doing live up to their name!

2. In a Business Meeting

This one is just sad… It’s been done to me on various occasions. The disrespect and amazing rudeness that goes into answering a cell phone call in a business meeting is beyond comprehension. I don’t understand how someone can even start to consider this to be OK. Here I am, in a stupid meeting YOU called to order, wasting my time, while you are answering nonsense phone calls for the sake of looking more important than you really are. Get off the phone and listen, or I’ll take that blackberry of yours, run it under the water cooler and spike your freshly poured water with a laxative so you can have sometime alone in the bathroom and talk on the phone all you want without wasting my time.

3. The Dinner Table

If a pending conversation with your “buddy” or your “bro” or your “bff” is more important than eating, family, and your survival, then OK, take that call at the dinner table, otherwise, save it for after you eat, asshole. There are millions of hungry children in this world who would LOVE to take your spot at that table then stab you in the chest with a spear they made from sticks off the foundation of their shanty when you try to sit back down. With blood pouring out of your spear wound, at least then you might start thinking about the important things in life.

4. A Restaurant

If you don’t have anyone to talk to while sitting down to eat at a restaurant, do the rest of us a favor and stop trying to make it seem like you do. And stop trying to make it seem like you have a purpose. Go home to your lonely pathetic life. Maybe then a phone call will be warranted if anyone is willing to go through the pain of talking to you. No one cares about you, or your phone. Your disrupting everyone’s dinner and making an ass out of yourself. You are probably the type of person who doesn’t tip and complains about how cold your food is even if it’s fresh out of the oven. Hopefully you get third degree burns on your tongue from that burning hot soup that you just had warmed up for no reason. You won’t be talking much on the phone then.

5. During the Checkout process at a store

OK, you’ve talked on your cell phone in the line… FINE, that’s somewhat acceptable, But when you get to the checkout counter, PUT THE PHONE DOWN! You are annoying everyone around you with your arrogance and failed attempt at demonstrating self importance. Everyone now just hates you even more than they did when they first noticed your arrogant strut through the isles of the Dollar Store. You’re not kidding us. We all know your real story: You don’t talk to your mother anymore because she called you a bad name once and your father hates the fact that he created a pompous asshole so he has chosen not to talk to you.

By the way, that conversation you are having with your whore girlfriend about her latest STD (that you now have), or your felon brother in prison can wait until after you finish buying that YO YO for one of your 8 children from a previous marriage.

Meanwhile, on the receiving end of your arrogance, your cashier would have loved to stab you in the eye with the pen she gave you to sign for your overcharged credit card, you minimum paying bastard.

6. Anywhere in public while using a Bluetooth device

OK… You look like schizophrenic from outer space. Hold the phone with your hands (You are not driving and that’s what hands were made for) and take that stupid little futuristic laser looking device off your ear. You are flashing, and everyone is worried about your health because you’re talking to yourself. NO, it doesn’t make you look cool… just weird. I hope that stupid little device is attracting radio waves that cause a terminal form of a fast growing cancer.

7. Crowded Public Transportation

No one wants to hear you, or your “partner” on the other end of the line talk intimately to each other, and especially, no one wants your fat elbows in their face while your doing so. You smell like you just ran through a sewer and it’s obvious a swamp is in your pants. Put the phone, and your arms down. It’s too crowded for that. No one likes you. No one likes your significant other on the line. No one thinks you look “cool”, and if we weren’t living in a civil society you would be the first pushed off this train onto the rails.

8. A Car

This one deserves a little explanation… we all talk on the phones in the car and for the most part that is fine. It is HOW you talk on the phone in your car ,and what types of conversations you have in a car that make you look like a ass. The people I’m talking about are the people who ONLY talk on their cell phone while in their car and go out of their way to make the most important phone calls in their car. We see it all the time. Over animated assholes “driving, while talking on their cell”. Most of the time they have glossy black hair and if you look long enough at them you will see they often times check if anyone one is watching their disgusting display of self importance. Hey you! get out of the left-center lane, stop flailing your arms around in your car and pay attention to the fact a semi is about to merge into you and push you off the bridge that you deserve to die on. If your cell phone conversation is that important, wait until you get off the damn road and help save a life… your own.

9. A Place of worship

Come on! Have a little faith! Kneel, stand, sit, sit then stand, kneel then stand… do whatever you gotta do to be accepted in your faith, just don’t sit, then stand up to answer your phone. It’s unholy. God should send a lighting bolt though your spine because you so rudely interrupted his or her speech for no good reason.

10. A movie theater

These phone conversation although often times brief and quiet are just unnecessary and rude performed by low class individuals. There can be no other reason for having such phone conversations than to promote the fact that you are having such phone conversations. That or you want people to see you as a wild rebel who blatantly disregards the rules… No, actually the truth is that your just seen as an ass to everyone. It amazes me that someone would think that answering his or her phone in the theater is appropriate regardless of how short or brief the conversation is. These are also the people that are constantly whispering to each other or snickering at nothing related to the movie. I hope they fall down the stairs and break a leg the next time they go to the bathroom because they were looking at their cell phone screen for too long.

In defense, some will say…

But what if it’s an emergency!?!? If an emergency happened elsewhere in any of these situations you shouldn’t know about it because you shouldn’t be talking on your phone. If there is an emergency that you are waiting for an update on, you shouldn’t be in any of these places or situations in the first place. Last, if an emergency just happened in one of these places, you shouldn’t and wouldn’t be the one to respond to it because you suck and you are selfish. So no, it doesn’t matter if there is an emergency.